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You are reading the blog of an idiot. This past Friday I went to see the film, What Is It? (Calling it a film isn’t suggesting it’s a well thought out and crafted cinema experience. Film is simply referring to the fact that this was a series of images developed on a material called film.) It’s the brainchild of Crispin Glover. He’s known as one of the strangest personalities to come from Hollywood. But that’s what he wants you to think and that’s why this movie was really kind of lame.

I don’t know where to start so I’ll start at the beginning. Why go? I got an email from this local independent record store in Milwaukee, Atomic Records. Usually these mailers come once a week. And the last four weeks it’s been hyping this event along with your typical record releases, etc. So I thought, “Could be interesting.” Don’t know why? Never really been a Crispin Glover fan. Honestly I’ve seen Back to the Future, Charlie’s Angels, the Doors, The People V. Larry Flint, and a couple other randoms he’s been in. He’s a David Lynch guy as well, I think he’s been in a couple of his movies. So I thought What is It? would be some sort of David Lynch jaunt. A little surreal, and completely strange. Sure was, plus it made me sad, and dirty feeling.

The last 36 hours have involved deep prayer, scrubbing, and a trip to my psychoanalyst. That’s how unbelievably bizarre this movie was. But before I get to the movie I need to discuss the spoken word, book reading, and slideshow experience. Crispin was in the building. In fact it’s part of the deal. He only screens the movie if he’s there. He starts out reading excerpts from his books. One was called the manual for Rat Catching. So you get the idea. He writes absurd books, reads them, and then shows slides. This part of the show was mildly entertaining. These stories were funny. A manual on rat catching? How can you take him seriously? You can’t. And that I think is important cause it sets up the film.

What Is It? Here’s what was in it. (Thanks to imdb.com for a couple of these bullets)

--A naked woman in a monkey mask masturbating a 60-year-old man who has cerebral palsy while he reclines naked on a large sea shell. If you want to see a man with cerebral palsy and his penis this is your kind of movie.

--Naked women in monkey masks popping out of little craters and smashing open watermelons.

--A number of people with Down's Syndrome who kill each other by hitting each other on the head with shovels and smothering one another with plastic bags. (These people really do have Down's Syndrome; they are not 'normal' actors playing the part of people with DS.)

--A Down’s Syndrome actor talking to Shirley Temple via walkie talkie.

--Talking snails who are killed by the Down's Syndrome actors. The actors pour salt on the snails and one snail is beheaded with a razor blade. The snails scream in pain quite a bit.

Discussing plot, story structure, or anything else of cinematic merit is completely ridiculous. Hello read above. This movie is a total joke. Capped off with Crispin Glover answering people’s question. But he doesn’t really answer your questions. He skirts them by speaking on everything but your question. So I decide I’m going to ask this guy something. I ask about this line of dialogue (which I regret now, cause that’s what this guy wanted, all the people to take him seriously cause jokes on you) but the line is, “Mom it was all a joke.” So I asked what that meant. He skirted it. I wish I had been more direct. But it was funny when people were asking, “What were thinking when you edited this way?” And he wouldn’t answer. Cause he had no clue. He put this together in a hodge podge and is trying to get a rise out of intellectual art snobs.

At first I kind of liked the whole experience. But it took me 24 hours and talking to a couple of my friends that I went with to say, “This guy is a pompous jerk.” He’s the art snob. Ohhh look at me, I’m Mr. Artist, I’m going around the nation and showing my film and then I’ll read the audiences reaction and it’ll be my own little psychological experiment. Hollywood has given this guy fame. Now he’s using that fame, and notoriety as the freaky guy to show this ridiculous film and get personal pleasure for watching the audience’s reaction. Screw that.

If someone were to ask me for a one-word description for What Is It? The word would be—disturbing. At first I thought I wasn’t smart enough to understand his commentary on America in the film. Now I know I’m smart enough to understand this was a big freaking joke, and I took part in it. Touche Mr. Glover you got me, you got me real good.