I HATE (OK HATE IS A STRONG WORD, MAYBE DON'T UNDERSTAND) VEGANS

I'd like to share a story about vegans. This weekend I was dining at a local eatery that is not only amazing, it is also Vegan friendly. Which means, let the parade of freaks in. Anyways I'm enjoying a delicious cheesy roast beef sandwich when four people down from this Vegan starts raising holy hell. First I'd like to describe this person too you. He has more metal on his face then a thirteen year old with braces and head gear. Except this dude isn't taking his stuff off when he goes into public. Also, he's a painted man. Tattooed isn't a strong enough work. This guy had ink all over. His lower jaw, his arms, he was wearing pants (thank god) so I couldn't tell if he was leg painted, but I assume he was. Finally he dreedlocks. And not the cool rastaman vibration locks, but the gross, haven't showered since the Clinton administration locks. Approachable is not a word I would use to describe this gentlemen. He seemed like the kind of person who constantly burns incense and smokes American Spirits cause they're natural man. Oh, he was with his girlfriend too. She basically looked the same, minus the face tattoos.

He orders a Vegan Burrito. The server brings it to him (server is a word I have now officially ingrained into my memory cause I do ad work for a restaurant and you can't call people waiters or waitresses. So if you hear me say waiter slap me.) his meal of food. He is immediately angry. Not like freaking, but mad. He turns to one of the people I was with for lunch and says, "You believe they are out of Vegan sour cream!" Actually buddy yeah. See that's one of the luxuries you give up when you become a Vegan. No more sour cream. See ya, bye bye. We all love sour cream. But it comes from a cows teet and there isn't much you can do about. It's like a smoker complaining about someone smoking next to them. Which brings me to this, why become a Vegan at all if you still want sour cream. To me it's cheating, even if it's vegan sour cream. I don't get it.

Now let me share a bit about me. I'm a meat eater. But I'm one with a conscious. I realize that some poor animal suffered for me to but fat in my belly. The thing I understand is that humans are meat eaters. We eat flesh because it gives us a superior amount of energy to tackle the obstacles of the day. Science is on my side too. Our jaws and teeth are built to tear the flesh off the bone of animal. So sue me, I like a T-Bone steak. I like a chicken breast. I'll take two more meatballs. You're either a meat eater or you aren't. You're either a meat eater or a Vegan. Vegetarians? They eat eggs, drink milk, and USE SOUR CREAM. How is that better then eating meat? If it's a health decision I get it, but if it's a moral decision, there is only one way to go Vegan.

And as I mentioned Vegans are people I don't understand. How can you make that choice? Morale is great, but it just seems like there's better morale choices to make. Like stop the death of children around the world. Or rid Iraq of evil-doers. Or give a grey hound a home. Whatever it is being a Vegan just seems like the biggest inconvenience of all time. It also gives people an "act like an ass card" cause this isn't vegan. You can never go out to dinner. You have to eat only vegetables, fruit, soy, nuts, water, unleavened bread, and stuff that contains no animal by products. Being a Vegan sounds like a job in it self. Which is probably why a lot of Vegans I see look like they don't have jobs. They don't have a job cause they're reading food labels 5 hours a day and complaining about not being able to use Vegan Sour Cream.